All Things Joyful with Alexa Balsiger

I keep repeating this phrase over and over as people are asking me for life updates, “It’s a story only God could’ve written” and it’s true. The story, this moment, seems to be filled with good things that I never could’ve predicted, but it’s been a painful journey coming there. I mean, like, brutal, knock-ya-down, trying to get back up and knocked down again, painful. For the good in this moment and season, I’m beyond thankful. For the pain and scars over the last few years, I’m finally starting to feel thankful. I truly believe I have experienced the kindness, faithfulness and love of Jesus in ways I never would’ve had I not been in the depths of darkness and desperate for His love. For that, I’ll never stop rejoicing.

Today on this resurrection Sunday I’m feeling all sorts of feels (#foreveralexa). Perhaps I’m sharing this only for my own sake (welcome to my therapy, journal, hi) and perhaps you’ll gain something from them, too. I feel: weird, hurt, sad, thankful, relieved, confused, grateful, in awe (among other pieces to make up my mosaic of Easter feelings).

It’s the first Holy weekend in my entire existence I haven’t bought a new dress and while that seems both fine and silly, it triggered feelings of unsettling in me. That’s just what I do, right? Get all fancy for Jesus on this day? Until this morning, I had no idea if I would even have the courage to go to church (spoiler: I did) so I pulled out last year’s Easter dress and went with it. It’s the first Holy weekend in many years I wasn’t at church all day and night Friday helping lead Good Friday services while then spending Saturday planning a big outreach event and spending extra hours Sunday to ensure everything went smoothly, greeting the families I’d only see twice a year and welcoming tons of new guests, while teaching precious little people the greatest story ever told. It was the first weekend in many years I wasn’t a part of planning a big celebration and recruiting tons of help to execute it. I both missed those things with incredible depth and felt a sense of gratitude in the rest I was able to have. (Listen, this weekend was hard enough to staff so when it fell on a 5th Sunday and Spring Break, I counted my blessings). I don’t know how I can hold those things at the same time, in two separate hands, but I’m grateful I have been able to do that. Holding on to the memories of good I had, the pain of how I am no longer leading and all that led to that, the joy I had in being a vessel for the Lord to watch Him change lives, and now the beauty of being able to just be still is a mixed bag of weird spices that creates a recipe I’m not even sure of yet.

Even before being in leadership, planning these services, I never missed an Easter Sunday worshipping. From sunrise services to main church services to family get togethers proclaiming the victorious resurrection of our King, it’s all I’ve ever known. So as I wrestled with where to go, how to walk into church (a place that feels so familiar and unknown, safe and scary all at the same time), I knew I wanted to gather with brothers and sisters from around the world to declare what is still true no matter what: we serve a risen Savior who has defeated even death and will defeat everything forevermore. He isn’t surprised by any circumstances, He deserves our praise. I’ve been intentionally listening to lots of worship music proclaiming the truth of what today means and it’s been exactly what I need–to put my focus on Him, praising Him above all, declaring what can’t change–forever He is alive and worthy!

There’s a lot of pieces to my story and to the pain of the last few years, the healing of the present, and the incredible pieces He’s writing now…and it’s all joyful…because of Him.