All Things Joyful with Alexa Balsiger

This healing journey I’m on is a beautiful thing and sometimes it feels like a rollercoaster, sometimes it feels like a slow mountain hike, and sometimes it feels like a completely flat plateau.

I recently had a close friend tell me, “you’re like the old Alexa again” and the feelings that gave me were so many. I’ve found myself laughing (til I cry and obnoxiously loud) more again, I’m doing the things I enjoy more and more, I’m appreciating simplicity and life more again, and I’m finding my confidence in my calling all over. Hearing that I’m the old Alexa is amazing and beautiful and hard because I’ll never be her again. The last few years have changed me completely and I pray it’s been a metamorphosis that has made me more like the Father. I’m grateful to know I’m more like I used to be, emerging from the pain and darkness to find joy and life again. I sometimes miss the old Alexa, the one who didn’t know the pain and abuse, the one who saw everything with joy and rose colored glasses. I sometimes miss the simple, optimism I clung to and walked with. I’m learning to love the new me, too, though. I love the way I’ve grown, the way I’m seeing life become beautiful again, and the way I’ve connected with Jesus in really sweet ways. I think this new me will have really solid hope for the future and continue to grow and that’s a gift.

I’m a stronger leader, significantly stronger emotionally, able to stand up for myself like never before, fight for the truth, defend Jesus, stay silent when it’s important, and surrounded by people who are helping me heal. When I feel triggered and an instant need to apologize over something I didn’t do wrong (but could be perceived that way), I have people who grab my hands and instantly ask to pray and surrender this to the Lord. I’m hearing people recognize sin against me and be willing to call me out on mine. I’m having people help me to work through forgiveness and where I need forgiven.

There’s days I feel like I’m myself again in the sense of laughing, not walking on eggshells, walking in freedom rather than fear, and feeling a new confidence. Then there’s days that I hear a name, see a post, hear a story, and the new lies being said and I feel both the old and a new layer of fear, shame, and darkness.

The light that God has given me is like none other. The grace He has for each day is beautiful. His mercies are truly new every morning. I’ve never seen provision so tangibly, I’ve never been surrounded by love in such Godly people speaking truth and helping me see what the Lord has in store for me and His people.

So it’s both. It’s the old and the new. It’s healing and pain. It’s learning to trust and being cautious. The both and isn’t always easy, but God is good. I am reminded of John 15, where Jesus describes being attached to the vine. Regardless of where I am on this journey, I want to be in Him.

John 15: 6-8 (NIV) “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.  If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

He’s worth remaining attached to and I want to always.