All Things Joyful with Alexa Balsiger

I could probably write a million “forever Alexa” moments through these posts. After all, that’s who I am and those are the fun, deep real, silly (and otherwise) moments that make me, well, me. Being sentimental and nostalgic are some of the top reasons these moments come out in me. As a result of being sentimental and nostalgic, I tend feel all the feelings surrounding anniversaries, reminiscing, seeing random special items, and just mundane moments that make me think of people and things. For example: I was tearing up listening to a radio DJ have his last day on air last week because I literally grew up with this man hosting the local Christian radio station every day and all the throwbacks had me feeling alllll the feels.

Today I woke up and when I looked at the calendar, I remembered that it was exactly 2 years ago on this date that I was forced into a decision I didn’t want to make, but knew was coming. I had been asking God for breakthrough or clarity and on this day, I experienced the final moment that showed me what my decision had to be. It wasn’t the decision I wanted, the miracle of breakthrough I begged for, or even any small glimmer of hope I wanted to see, but ultimately, it was the clarity I begged for. So for that I was thankful to at least have a decision and to know what I had to do. It wasn’t a “sigh of relief” kind of thankful, rather a shattered heart, tears streaming, thankful. 

I talked to a trusted friend and confidant today about some of these feelings and how frustrated I am that there are still triggers for me. She talked to me about recognizing Emmanuel–how do I see Jesus with me and how have I seen Him in the pain. Emmanuel means God with us and we sing and talk about that a lot this time of year. We know He’s always with us, we know He will never leave us, but to truly stop and recognize and see Him both now and in the memories? How often do we do that? It often feels like this totally taboo thing (specifically for a strong believer and ministry leader like myself) to question where Jesus is, to acknowledge that the deep pain makes me question Him and cry out in curiosity, or even to express these feelings of abandonment. Yet, I read through the scriptures and see lament and questioning from even the most faithful. I have experienced the tender, kind acceptance of God as I do cry out with these feelings, questions, and experiences. That reality of my feelings and experiences have allowed me to press in further to Him, to experience His character deeper, and to grasp the reality of my salvation in a more intimate way than ever before.

I recently shared my story with a friend and I said, “I’m not sure if I’ll ever be at the point where I can say I’m thankful for what I went through, but I can confidently now say I’m thankful for all the ways I’ve experienced Jesus as a result of all I went through.” He is enough, He is worthy, all glory and honor and power to Him forever.

2 years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed I’d be in the career I’m in now, that I’d be loving the opportunity I have to coach and mentor ministry students, that I’d be given the opportunity to share my story with joy, and that I’d really just be ok. I’m grateful for all the people who hugged me, prayed for me, sent me cards and scriptures, called and texted me when prompted, and continued to affirm my calling as a leader for the Gospel. Those people were obedient to the Lord and in many ways kept me on the track I needed to be on to see where He was leading me. If I could go back 2 years ago (ok, first, no, I wouldn’t even want that), I’d give myself a hug and encourage her that it’s going to be ok. I’d look my broken and beat down self in the eyes tenderly and say, ‘that world that looks like it’s falling down now, He’s faithful and He’s in it. Hold tight. It’s a crazy and wild ride, but He’s holding you.” I have no idea where you are, reader, but I want to encourage you that those things are true. He’s there and holding you.

There’s a line in a song I’ll leave you with today…

“The night is dark, but I am not forsaken
For by my side, the Savior, He will stay
I labor on in weakness and rejoicing
For in my need, His power is displayed

To this I hold, my Shepherd will defend me
Through the deepest valley, He will lead
Oh, the night has been won, and I shall overcome
Yet not I, but through Christ in me”

Yet Not I, but Through Christ in Me by CityAlight

So happy(?!) 2 years to me, to all of us, really. Thanks for being here.